Eeep.

I'm a very very busy girl!

I'm also staying home until September.
I'm finishing up my application to Eastern Washington University.
I'm studying Visual Communication Design...
At least, that's what it looks like right now.

I'm doing it.
I'm living.
Me and God braving the world.
This is it.

The days on this blog are few and far between now.
But.
I started a more abstract, short blog.
You can find it here:

http://goodseeds-badseeds.tumblr.com/

I love you all.

Mars Hill

This is what I'm doing right now:

http://marshill.com/media/vintagejesus/is-jesus-the-only-god#description

I strongly recommend checking out Mars Hill Church's sermon archive. It's extraordinary.

(:

Also, I'm reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now... Ahhh. God is so incredible. I could sit in a room and watch sermons and read books and experience and talk to God forever. But I am called to live in the world. (:

A Quick Update

Alright... I've procrastinated long enough. It's time for me to let you in on what's been happening in my life, and more importantly, what God's been doing.

First of all, "Cracks in the Sidewalk: A Documentary" is not going be available online for you to watch fora  while because Sarah, who made the video, is selling it on a donation basis to help raise some money for her next missionary adventures. BUT! If you live anywhere near me, you will be happy to know that on Saturday, December 8th at 7 PM, there will be an opportunity for you to come to my beautiful home and see it for free(: We'll also do some worship (of course)... And probably, there will be food. That's always good. Anyways, please invite everyone you know. It's a 25 minute film, really well put together, and the reason she's selling it is because people want to buy it. I don't want to hype it up TOO MUCH, but it's pretty rad(:

So there's that. Also, that means I don't want to spoil it by telling you too much about it right now. So.. you'll have to wait(:

Right on. So... Thanksgiving happened! It was really great- Luke came and had his first Thanksgiving EVER OF LIFE, which was really great(: Also, my dad's superfantastic sister, husband, and children came over, and they are a riot(: His mum came over as well. She's a wonderful lady(: We had a really good time together. I wouldn't even hesitate to say that was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. So.. Praise the Lord(:

Now that everyone's gone, I've had some time to realise that I'm heading back to LA in January for a 14-week Biblical studies course and I have NO MONEY! Panic mode, right?! Nope(: I know my faithful God has something up His sleeve. That said, I'm looking for work(: I'm pretty much ready to do anything at all for money. My mom would prefer they be legal, but I'm not TOO concerned with that... :P (I'm kidding!!) Anyway, I need to be employed for six-hundred $5 jobs, three-hundred $10 jobs, one-hundred $30 jobs... You get the picture. I'm also really happy to accept donations, if you have some extra holiday money you didn't spend on Black Friday... Don't be afraid to encourage the youth to dive in to the Word of God(: (Youth being myself, in this context) But, like I said, I don't just want to ask for your money- I'm more than happy to work for it, so if you know anyone who needs a babysitter, house cleaner, gift wrapper, envelope addresser... I am qualified to do all of those things(: Please give me a call (and recommend me to your friends!)- 214.384.0052

Great.. there's that. So... Next! Prayer request time... (Sorry I keep asking for things... oh well)

I'm currently looking into Universities :o There's a major that's really grabbed hold of my attention, and I'm not sure if it's crazy ol' me and my wild heart or God and His desires for my life. Seeing as school is a big (and expensive!) decision... I would really appreciate prayers for clarity. (: Also, please keep praying for my family. My dad's health is continuing to decline, which is really scary for all of us. Our life-style is changing pretty rapidly... And.. yeah. Just. Pray. Please. Also, if you haven't seen my parents' blog, I really encourage you to check it out. It's wonderful:
http://www.meandals.com/

Thanks so much for reading(: If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them. I'm pretty sure there's a button somewhere for that. Or, feel free to call or text me(:

-Ash

Aspiring Musicians

Hey all(: I'm at home and I'll be updating y'all soon... But for now, I just wanted to pass on this link- I'm a part of this band, and we just started making music together(: If you buy our songs, you help support us in our missionary work AND you get to enjoy some music(: I'm looking forward to updating you soon(:

The Days Are Just Packed

It's been quite a while! Sorry about that. We've been on outreach... Last week we were on the road, and this week we're back in LA doing outreach. I've been sick since we got home... Bummer. Anyway, I'm super tired and my brain is hurting a bunch, so I'm not going to write much now.

So much happened last week that it would be incredibly difficult to write about it. Luckily, we figured that would be the case before we left, so one of my fellow SLAMers (Sarah) filmed the week and is now in the midst of making a documentary! It's going to be awesome- when I get home, I'll invite you all over to see it! For now, check out the trailer:

Cracks in the Sidewalk Trailer from Sarah Grunder on Vimeo.

<3

The Road Less Traveled

This morning, I was lying in bed looking up at the sky-- I've been sleeping outside; if you haven't done it I highly recommend it (sorry, Mom and Dad, you may have lost your daughter here)-- and the words to a song I listened to when I was a little girl came tiptoeing into my mind. I was temped to look up the rest of the words, but I figured maybe the ones I remembered are significant in some way. Probably don't look them up yourself, just to be safe.... Here they are: 

"Go to college, a university; get a real job-- that's what they said to me.... You-- I don't wanna be just like you." 

If you know me, you may know that I've never been super attracted to the typical ways of my culture. Before all this 'living for Christ' stuff, that desire manifested in some not-so-great ways that were pretty mainstream anyway. I guess I didn't ever realize that living radically in love with Jesus is really the only 'road less traveled', so to speak. 

Like this lyricist, a lot of my passion for a "different" life comes out of bitterness. You can probably tell just by these few lines that this is the case for him. Maybe you didn't know that abut me, though. Just before this paragraph, I had to stop myself from writing, "You would think I would have learned that, growing up in church and all..." Perhaps to you, that sounds harmless-- true, even. As I looked at that sentence though, Holy Spirit reminded me of something He and I have been talking about a fair bit lately. I have a huge grudge against the church, as in churches plural, not one in particular. Since I've begun my inquisition as to what it looks like to be a real follower of Christ, I've discovered that, in a deep place in my heart, I feel like I've been fed a watered-down version of Jesus and life as His disciple. Maybe that's true. It probably is. 

The thing is that teenagers can smell a fake from a mile away. They pick up on it when their teachers don't practice what they preach. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly, but I think that a lot of this bitterness started because I didn't run in to a lot of people who looked like what I thought true Christ-followers should look like. Part of this is my fault, for putting what it looks like to have a relationship with God into a box. That's probably the biggest part. Maybe part of it also comes from the fact that there just aren't that many sold-out lovers of The Lord in America any more. Call me judgemental-- I am, definitely, and God and I are working through that. But I think there has to be some truth behind these thoughts as well. 

Whatever the case may be, I want to apologize. I realize a lot of my well-meaning blog posts have come out of a place of hurt, spewing bitterness that overshadows the truth that may have also come out. I know that the greatest commandments (according to Jesus Himself) are to love God and love others. Discipling people, changing their minds and hearts, has to come out of a place of radical love, not correctness. My motives have been tainted, even if my material has been good. I don't want to be right. I want to ooze love out of the abundance God pours out on me. So, please, accept my apology. Forgive me. God has work to do yet as I am continually learning how to love with the love of Christ. 

Thanks for sticking around.

-Ash

16.10.12

Today, God and I went on a walk and had some real-talk time. 

The thing is that I run from God instead of running to Him. 

I have a lot of anger and bitterness toward Him because of my dad, because of my past, because I feel like He should have just fixed me or stopped me or saved me before it got super bad. But today, God told me He's sorry all of those things happened and are happening to and around me. He told me that He's sorry, and that He promises that He will work all of those things out so that they are for my good. Not even His good. For MY good. He told me that things might not always look like they're working together for my good at the moment, but He promised me that if I can let Him hold my hand and give Him time to work it all out properly, it will be for my good. He promised me. So I said okay. But He told me to remember that I have to give Him a chance-- that it WILL take time. 

Also, today, out loud, I quietly declared to the hills and the sky that my heart is in God's hands and that He will take better care of it than I have been. I don't really know what that looks like or the significance of it entirely, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. I told God that I trust Him with my dad. I trust Him with my family. I trust Him with Luke and our relationship. I trust Him with me-- that He will take care of me like Jesus said in Matthew, that He will heal my heart from my past, that He loves me enough to want my input and to have a relationship with me. I said all of these things today. 

Yes, this is a private matter between God and I. But I want to put this out there because I'm going to need reminding sometimes. 

Also, I want to be real with all of you guys. I'm hurting. I've done a lot of really dumb things that have hurt me a lot, and I would rather pretend to brush it all of my shoulders so I can look like the strong person that I want to be. In reality, though, I'm carrying all of that around with me. God showed me today that I'm basically walking around with a giant trash bag slung over my shoulder. It's heavy. I'm dirty and worn out from carrying its weight and its stench with me everywhere. I think maybe that some people just give their trash in its entirety to God, but I'm trying to sift through my trash myself, giving it up a little at a time. Well. That's not really working for me. So, I think what God and I are going to be doing is stopping, setting the bag down, and taking those things away from me. Finally. 

My relationship with God hasn't been going so well. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone you're mad at. Even if you think he's a cool dude. Sometimes, you can stand to hang out with him in a group-- never one on one-- but usually, you avoid being with him altogether. Especially if you're mad because you feel like he's hurt you... That kind of being mad (in my experience, anyway) gets internalized and comes out whenever you're alone thinking about that person. And then, you're by yourself, mad and hurting and feeling really pathetic because all you can do is sit there and feel yucky. 

That's kind of like what happened with me and God. 

But now we're making some progress so that we can be friends again, maybe even best friends. I don't think we ever have been best friends, but I really want us to be. 

Well, you can think whatever you want about all this. For once, I'm not trying to convince you of anything, to challenge your way of thinking or your upbringing. I'm not trying to do anything, actually, except be open and real with you guys about what's going on with me. 

I'm really considering doing a monk thing and taking some time away from the whole world to just be with God. Although I have no personal experience to speak from, I do think there is something to be said for men who become recluses for a while to gain understanding. Maybe I'll pull a Thoreau and go live in a forest.... Anyone want to be my Emerson? Heh. 

Mostly I say that because I thought that here, i would be able to really focus on God. Trouble is, everything is such a good distraction right now! Even being here at YWAM, life is super full of distractions! They may not be as malicious as the distractions of the world, but everything is still flying by in a tornado of colors and sounds and feelings and words. Ultimately, no matter where I am, though, I can only distract myself from my insides for so long before I spontaneously combust. So I figure that if I stow away somewhere, with no contact with the outside world, I will be a lot less distracted and hopefully more capable of sitting with God and really hearing from Him. I'm imagining like three months of solitude. Mm. Anyway. I'm kind of being silly, but seriously, I'm realizing how easy it is to continually distract myself to avoid dealing with my insides. 

I would really appreciate your prayers right now. And if God tells you anything, you should definitely let me know. I could use some support from my brothers and sisters.

Thanks for keeping up.

-Ash