The thing is that I run from God instead of running to Him.
I have a lot of anger and bitterness toward Him because of my dad, because of my past, because I feel like He should have just fixed me or stopped me or saved me before it got super bad. But today, God told me He's sorry all of those things happened and are happening to and around me. He told me that He's sorry, and that He promises that He will work all of those things out so that they are for my good. Not even His good. For MY good. He told me that things might not always look like they're working together for my good at the moment, but He promised me that if I can let Him hold my hand and give Him time to work it all out properly, it will be for my good. He promised me. So I said okay. But He told me to remember that I have to give Him a chance-- that it WILL take time.
Also, today, out loud, I quietly declared to the hills and the sky that my heart is in God's hands and that He will take better care of it than I have been. I don't really know what that looks like or the significance of it entirely, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. I told God that I trust Him with my dad. I trust Him with my family. I trust Him with Luke and our relationship. I trust Him with me-- that He will take care of me like Jesus said in Matthew, that He will heal my heart from my past, that He loves me enough to want my input and to have a relationship with me. I said all of these things today.
Yes, this is a private matter between God and I. But I want to put this out there because I'm going to need reminding sometimes.
Also, I want to be real with all of you guys. I'm hurting. I've done a lot of really dumb things that have hurt me a lot, and I would rather pretend to brush it all of my shoulders so I can look like the strong person that I want to be. In reality, though, I'm carrying all of that around with me. God showed me today that I'm basically walking around with a giant trash bag slung over my shoulder. It's heavy. I'm dirty and worn out from carrying its weight and its stench with me everywhere. I think maybe that some people just give their trash in its entirety to God, but I'm trying to sift through my trash myself, giving it up a little at a time. Well. That's not really working for me. So, I think what God and I are going to be doing is stopping, setting the bag down, and taking those things away from me. Finally.
My relationship with God hasn't been going so well. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone you're mad at. Even if you think he's a cool dude. Sometimes, you can stand to hang out with him in a group-- never one on one-- but usually, you avoid being with him altogether. Especially if you're mad because you feel like he's hurt you... That kind of being mad (in my experience, anyway) gets internalized and comes out whenever you're alone thinking about that person. And then, you're by yourself, mad and hurting and feeling really pathetic because all you can do is sit there and feel yucky.
That's kind of like what happened with me and God.
But now we're making some progress so that we can be friends again, maybe even best friends. I don't think we ever have been best friends, but I really want us to be.
Well, you can think whatever you want about all this. For once, I'm not trying to convince you of anything, to challenge your way of thinking or your upbringing. I'm not trying to do anything, actually, except be open and real with you guys about what's going on with me.
I'm really considering doing a monk thing and taking some time away from the whole world to just be with God. Although I have no personal experience to speak from, I do think there is something to be said for men who become recluses for a while to gain understanding. Maybe I'll pull a Thoreau and go live in a forest.... Anyone want to be my Emerson? Heh.
Mostly I say that because I thought that here, i would be able to really focus on God. Trouble is, everything is such a good distraction right now! Even being here at YWAM, life is super full of distractions! They may not be as malicious as the distractions of the world, but everything is still flying by in a tornado of colors and sounds and feelings and words. Ultimately, no matter where I am, though, I can only distract myself from my insides for so long before I spontaneously combust. So I figure that if I stow away somewhere, with no contact with the outside world, I will be a lot less distracted and hopefully more capable of sitting with God and really hearing from Him. I'm imagining like three months of solitude. Mm. Anyway. I'm kind of being silly, but seriously, I'm realizing how easy it is to continually distract myself to avoid dealing with my insides.
I would really appreciate your prayers right now. And if God tells you anything, you should definitely let me know. I could use some support from my brothers and sisters.
Thanks for keeping up.
-Ash
No comments:
Post a Comment