The Road Less Traveled

This morning, I was lying in bed looking up at the sky-- I've been sleeping outside; if you haven't done it I highly recommend it (sorry, Mom and Dad, you may have lost your daughter here)-- and the words to a song I listened to when I was a little girl came tiptoeing into my mind. I was temped to look up the rest of the words, but I figured maybe the ones I remembered are significant in some way. Probably don't look them up yourself, just to be safe.... Here they are: 

"Go to college, a university; get a real job-- that's what they said to me.... You-- I don't wanna be just like you." 

If you know me, you may know that I've never been super attracted to the typical ways of my culture. Before all this 'living for Christ' stuff, that desire manifested in some not-so-great ways that were pretty mainstream anyway. I guess I didn't ever realize that living radically in love with Jesus is really the only 'road less traveled', so to speak. 

Like this lyricist, a lot of my passion for a "different" life comes out of bitterness. You can probably tell just by these few lines that this is the case for him. Maybe you didn't know that abut me, though. Just before this paragraph, I had to stop myself from writing, "You would think I would have learned that, growing up in church and all..." Perhaps to you, that sounds harmless-- true, even. As I looked at that sentence though, Holy Spirit reminded me of something He and I have been talking about a fair bit lately. I have a huge grudge against the church, as in churches plural, not one in particular. Since I've begun my inquisition as to what it looks like to be a real follower of Christ, I've discovered that, in a deep place in my heart, I feel like I've been fed a watered-down version of Jesus and life as His disciple. Maybe that's true. It probably is. 

The thing is that teenagers can smell a fake from a mile away. They pick up on it when their teachers don't practice what they preach. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly, but I think that a lot of this bitterness started because I didn't run in to a lot of people who looked like what I thought true Christ-followers should look like. Part of this is my fault, for putting what it looks like to have a relationship with God into a box. That's probably the biggest part. Maybe part of it also comes from the fact that there just aren't that many sold-out lovers of The Lord in America any more. Call me judgemental-- I am, definitely, and God and I are working through that. But I think there has to be some truth behind these thoughts as well. 

Whatever the case may be, I want to apologize. I realize a lot of my well-meaning blog posts have come out of a place of hurt, spewing bitterness that overshadows the truth that may have also come out. I know that the greatest commandments (according to Jesus Himself) are to love God and love others. Discipling people, changing their minds and hearts, has to come out of a place of radical love, not correctness. My motives have been tainted, even if my material has been good. I don't want to be right. I want to ooze love out of the abundance God pours out on me. So, please, accept my apology. Forgive me. God has work to do yet as I am continually learning how to love with the love of Christ. 

Thanks for sticking around.

-Ash

16.10.12

Today, God and I went on a walk and had some real-talk time. 

The thing is that I run from God instead of running to Him. 

I have a lot of anger and bitterness toward Him because of my dad, because of my past, because I feel like He should have just fixed me or stopped me or saved me before it got super bad. But today, God told me He's sorry all of those things happened and are happening to and around me. He told me that He's sorry, and that He promises that He will work all of those things out so that they are for my good. Not even His good. For MY good. He told me that things might not always look like they're working together for my good at the moment, but He promised me that if I can let Him hold my hand and give Him time to work it all out properly, it will be for my good. He promised me. So I said okay. But He told me to remember that I have to give Him a chance-- that it WILL take time. 

Also, today, out loud, I quietly declared to the hills and the sky that my heart is in God's hands and that He will take better care of it than I have been. I don't really know what that looks like or the significance of it entirely, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. I told God that I trust Him with my dad. I trust Him with my family. I trust Him with Luke and our relationship. I trust Him with me-- that He will take care of me like Jesus said in Matthew, that He will heal my heart from my past, that He loves me enough to want my input and to have a relationship with me. I said all of these things today. 

Yes, this is a private matter between God and I. But I want to put this out there because I'm going to need reminding sometimes. 

Also, I want to be real with all of you guys. I'm hurting. I've done a lot of really dumb things that have hurt me a lot, and I would rather pretend to brush it all of my shoulders so I can look like the strong person that I want to be. In reality, though, I'm carrying all of that around with me. God showed me today that I'm basically walking around with a giant trash bag slung over my shoulder. It's heavy. I'm dirty and worn out from carrying its weight and its stench with me everywhere. I think maybe that some people just give their trash in its entirety to God, but I'm trying to sift through my trash myself, giving it up a little at a time. Well. That's not really working for me. So, I think what God and I are going to be doing is stopping, setting the bag down, and taking those things away from me. Finally. 

My relationship with God hasn't been going so well. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone you're mad at. Even if you think he's a cool dude. Sometimes, you can stand to hang out with him in a group-- never one on one-- but usually, you avoid being with him altogether. Especially if you're mad because you feel like he's hurt you... That kind of being mad (in my experience, anyway) gets internalized and comes out whenever you're alone thinking about that person. And then, you're by yourself, mad and hurting and feeling really pathetic because all you can do is sit there and feel yucky. 

That's kind of like what happened with me and God. 

But now we're making some progress so that we can be friends again, maybe even best friends. I don't think we ever have been best friends, but I really want us to be. 

Well, you can think whatever you want about all this. For once, I'm not trying to convince you of anything, to challenge your way of thinking or your upbringing. I'm not trying to do anything, actually, except be open and real with you guys about what's going on with me. 

I'm really considering doing a monk thing and taking some time away from the whole world to just be with God. Although I have no personal experience to speak from, I do think there is something to be said for men who become recluses for a while to gain understanding. Maybe I'll pull a Thoreau and go live in a forest.... Anyone want to be my Emerson? Heh. 

Mostly I say that because I thought that here, i would be able to really focus on God. Trouble is, everything is such a good distraction right now! Even being here at YWAM, life is super full of distractions! They may not be as malicious as the distractions of the world, but everything is still flying by in a tornado of colors and sounds and feelings and words. Ultimately, no matter where I am, though, I can only distract myself from my insides for so long before I spontaneously combust. So I figure that if I stow away somewhere, with no contact with the outside world, I will be a lot less distracted and hopefully more capable of sitting with God and really hearing from Him. I'm imagining like three months of solitude. Mm. Anyway. I'm kind of being silly, but seriously, I'm realizing how easy it is to continually distract myself to avoid dealing with my insides. 

I would really appreciate your prayers right now. And if God tells you anything, you should definitely let me know. I could use some support from my brothers and sisters.

Thanks for keeping up.

-Ash 

Checklist For A Godly Leader

"...an elder must be without fault; he must have only one wife, and his children must be believers and not have the reputation of being wild or disobedient.  For since a church leader is in charge of God's work, he should be without fault. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered, or a drunkard or violent or greedy for money.  He must be hospitable and love what is good. He must be self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.  He must hold firmly to the message which can be trusted and which agrees with the doctrine. In this way he will be able to encourage others with the true teaching and also to show the error of those who are opposed to it. "(Titus 1:6-9 GNT)

We talked about this passage in class this week. Considering we're in a leadership school, you know. So there are some things here that are obviously pretty important to God. They can pretty much be categorized into three areas: character, family life, and ministry skills and knowledge. 

In the church, what do we focus on cultivating in our young people who will inevitably be in leadership roles at some point? 

Just a question. I could give you my opinion, but I won't. Think about it though. 

Ministry skills and knowledge is the easiest category to tackle. It's internal, and it only requires head usage. 

Character is a bit more complex, as it involves the head as well as the heart. Character is internal as well, though, leaving the space between the head and the heart as the only gap to be filled. 

Family is the most complicated of the three. Not only does it involve having upstanding character yourself, but it also involves being able to influence those around you. The influence and gap filling has shifted from internal to external here, making it more difficult to manipulate. 

That said, I think we tend to look at issues and attempt to address them based on level of difficulty. As ministry skills and knowledge is least difficult to transfer from one person to another, we can feel relatively safe in discipling others and being discipled in that area. Family, on the other hand, is the most complex, making it more difficult to trust others for input and yourself for output. 

Right now, God is working in all three areas for me. It's daunting. It's hard. 

We also talked about how being here at YWAM can be great for growth, but it is when we go home that's we truly realize how much has stuck with us and how much was just adaptation to our environment. It's true. And it sucks. Because I'm a lot more myself here than I am back in Portland. So I guess that means I'm not really all that different; I'm just adaptable. 

There's a lot going on in my head these days. God is showing me a lot. And I let it get me down a lot because there is so much work to do. I'm having a really hard time figuring out the line between God's role and my responsibility. It stresses me out. 

Eek.

Personal growth. 

How To Have A Conversation With The Invisible Man In The Sky

The first lesson we learned during my Discipleship Training School was on the core values of YWAM. The second was on hearing God's voice.

Luckily for me, God didn't rush me into that one. He knew we had a ways to go before I could get a grasp on that basic part of having a relationship with Him.

During my DTS, I heard God. That's different, though, than working out the discipline of hearing from Him on a 24-hour basis.

Now, at the beginning of round two with YWAM, God and I are starting to tackle that concept at last.

There's a preface I want to give before I get into this, though-

First of all, I'm sorry I haven't written more. I've written tons of ideas down in my notes, but I've been so busy doing five million things a day, talking to a hundred awesome people, that I've barely had time to sleep, let along blog.

Second, this week our speaker is a great dude named Joseph. He's a graphic designer, trained by God, who's worked with big names like Mercedes and some other people I can't recall right now. Anyway, he's been talking to us more about core values and how they build us into who we are as individuals and as groups as well. That's not really what got me going on this thing, though. What it was was hearing the way Joseph talks about his relationship with God. The way Joseph talks about God is as if God is actually there with him everywhere he goes, in every situation, in every area of his life. Well. As I was thinking about this, I realized that Joseph isn't just supremely lucky to have this kind of a relationship with God- this is who God is to the core of His being. In the Bible, God adresses every arena of life. In the New Testament, He gives His followers the teacher of all things, the Holy Spirit, who lives in us and is with us at all times. Holy Spirit is our direct connection with God. Wireless technology is new to us, but God's had it on lock for a few thousand years now.

When I continued thinking about Joseph's ability to exchange conversation with God like He is a physical person, I realized that I can totally have that kind of relationship with Him, too. There's actually nothing stopping me from having that aside from myself. God gave us all the tools we need in order to be in 24-7 relationship with Him- we have to figure out how to use them so that we don't miss out on that incredible blessing.

So, God and I are conversing. It's going slowly right now, mostly because I'm quite distractable and not super great at sitting still and just hanging out with God, but we're working on that. And as we do, I'm finding that it actually isn't that hard to hear God talking. I'm not saying I have it mastered, or even that I'm good at hearing God, but I can definitely do it.

Here's a really dumb example of how God wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives: The other day when I woke up, I told God I wan't getting out of bed until He showed me what I should wear that day. He totally did, and I got compliments all day. What up. I know I have a good sense of style, but seriously, Jesus knows better.

Also, I'm learning that God has no problem being totally personal in the way He chooses to communicate with us. He uses our lingo, talks to us in ways we'll receive His comments. Think about it- if God can speak every language and dialect, why couldn't He speak yours?

Hm. That may have been all I wanted to say about that. For now, anyway.

There's more, though, because God HAS been talking to me a lot lately, I've been getting a lot of direction and guidance from Him. One of the things we've been talking about is that fact that I'm really strong-willed, go-get-'em personality in a leadership school with a bunch of people who are that same way. I really feel like, as ironic as it is, God has me in a season of stepping back and not stepping into that leadership role so much. I got a word before I came here in September about my growth with God being what attracts others, and I really believe God has me here not necessarily to learn about being a leader, but to really grow a lot in my relationship with Him. Trust me, it isn't easy for me to not take charge of everything all the time, but a lot of the reason God wants me to step back is because I tend to put a lot of pressure and a lot of expectations on myself that aren't from God. I take responsibility for things God hasn't given me responsibility for, and because of that, I mess things up and stress myself out. Because I've grown up in the church, I felt like I should be at THIS level with God, basing our relationship status on the amount of head knowledge I thought I had. God revealed to me, though, that I'm really just a baby. It's the same concept as knowing ABOUT someone but not really KNOWING them. I thought I knew a lot about God (which, I didn't even, I have a lot of misconceptions) but I didn't know God. So I'm just now starting to get to know Him, and He has a lot of grace for me because of that. I mean, He has infinite grace anyway, but I expected so much more from myself than He does from me. It was so freeing to hear Him say it that I literally laughed out loud with relief while He was talking to me. That's not to say I've relinquished all responsibility and am not free to live however I want to. God just freed me from taking responsibility I haven't been given yet.

What else....

I need to talk about our mobile outreach stuff and also about sacrificing our time, but that isn't for right now.

That's probably it for today.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope it is challenging to your faith(:

-Ash