Eeep.

I'm a very very busy girl!

I'm also staying home until September.
I'm finishing up my application to Eastern Washington University.
I'm studying Visual Communication Design...
At least, that's what it looks like right now.

I'm doing it.
I'm living.
Me and God braving the world.
This is it.

The days on this blog are few and far between now.
But.
I started a more abstract, short blog.
You can find it here:

http://goodseeds-badseeds.tumblr.com/

I love you all.

Mars Hill

This is what I'm doing right now:

http://marshill.com/media/vintagejesus/is-jesus-the-only-god#description

I strongly recommend checking out Mars Hill Church's sermon archive. It's extraordinary.

(:

Also, I'm reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan right now... Ahhh. God is so incredible. I could sit in a room and watch sermons and read books and experience and talk to God forever. But I am called to live in the world. (:

A Quick Update

Alright... I've procrastinated long enough. It's time for me to let you in on what's been happening in my life, and more importantly, what God's been doing.

First of all, "Cracks in the Sidewalk: A Documentary" is not going be available online for you to watch fora  while because Sarah, who made the video, is selling it on a donation basis to help raise some money for her next missionary adventures. BUT! If you live anywhere near me, you will be happy to know that on Saturday, December 8th at 7 PM, there will be an opportunity for you to come to my beautiful home and see it for free(: We'll also do some worship (of course)... And probably, there will be food. That's always good. Anyways, please invite everyone you know. It's a 25 minute film, really well put together, and the reason she's selling it is because people want to buy it. I don't want to hype it up TOO MUCH, but it's pretty rad(:

So there's that. Also, that means I don't want to spoil it by telling you too much about it right now. So.. you'll have to wait(:

Right on. So... Thanksgiving happened! It was really great- Luke came and had his first Thanksgiving EVER OF LIFE, which was really great(: Also, my dad's superfantastic sister, husband, and children came over, and they are a riot(: His mum came over as well. She's a wonderful lady(: We had a really good time together. I wouldn't even hesitate to say that was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. So.. Praise the Lord(:

Now that everyone's gone, I've had some time to realise that I'm heading back to LA in January for a 14-week Biblical studies course and I have NO MONEY! Panic mode, right?! Nope(: I know my faithful God has something up His sleeve. That said, I'm looking for work(: I'm pretty much ready to do anything at all for money. My mom would prefer they be legal, but I'm not TOO concerned with that... :P (I'm kidding!!) Anyway, I need to be employed for six-hundred $5 jobs, three-hundred $10 jobs, one-hundred $30 jobs... You get the picture. I'm also really happy to accept donations, if you have some extra holiday money you didn't spend on Black Friday... Don't be afraid to encourage the youth to dive in to the Word of God(: (Youth being myself, in this context) But, like I said, I don't just want to ask for your money- I'm more than happy to work for it, so if you know anyone who needs a babysitter, house cleaner, gift wrapper, envelope addresser... I am qualified to do all of those things(: Please give me a call (and recommend me to your friends!)- 214.384.0052

Great.. there's that. So... Next! Prayer request time... (Sorry I keep asking for things... oh well)

I'm currently looking into Universities :o There's a major that's really grabbed hold of my attention, and I'm not sure if it's crazy ol' me and my wild heart or God and His desires for my life. Seeing as school is a big (and expensive!) decision... I would really appreciate prayers for clarity. (: Also, please keep praying for my family. My dad's health is continuing to decline, which is really scary for all of us. Our life-style is changing pretty rapidly... And.. yeah. Just. Pray. Please. Also, if you haven't seen my parents' blog, I really encourage you to check it out. It's wonderful:
http://www.meandals.com/

Thanks so much for reading(: If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them. I'm pretty sure there's a button somewhere for that. Or, feel free to call or text me(:

-Ash

Aspiring Musicians

Hey all(: I'm at home and I'll be updating y'all soon... But for now, I just wanted to pass on this link- I'm a part of this band, and we just started making music together(: If you buy our songs, you help support us in our missionary work AND you get to enjoy some music(: I'm looking forward to updating you soon(:

The Days Are Just Packed

It's been quite a while! Sorry about that. We've been on outreach... Last week we were on the road, and this week we're back in LA doing outreach. I've been sick since we got home... Bummer. Anyway, I'm super tired and my brain is hurting a bunch, so I'm not going to write much now.

So much happened last week that it would be incredibly difficult to write about it. Luckily, we figured that would be the case before we left, so one of my fellow SLAMers (Sarah) filmed the week and is now in the midst of making a documentary! It's going to be awesome- when I get home, I'll invite you all over to see it! For now, check out the trailer:

Cracks in the Sidewalk Trailer from Sarah Grunder on Vimeo.

<3

The Road Less Traveled

This morning, I was lying in bed looking up at the sky-- I've been sleeping outside; if you haven't done it I highly recommend it (sorry, Mom and Dad, you may have lost your daughter here)-- and the words to a song I listened to when I was a little girl came tiptoeing into my mind. I was temped to look up the rest of the words, but I figured maybe the ones I remembered are significant in some way. Probably don't look them up yourself, just to be safe.... Here they are: 

"Go to college, a university; get a real job-- that's what they said to me.... You-- I don't wanna be just like you." 

If you know me, you may know that I've never been super attracted to the typical ways of my culture. Before all this 'living for Christ' stuff, that desire manifested in some not-so-great ways that were pretty mainstream anyway. I guess I didn't ever realize that living radically in love with Jesus is really the only 'road less traveled', so to speak. 

Like this lyricist, a lot of my passion for a "different" life comes out of bitterness. You can probably tell just by these few lines that this is the case for him. Maybe you didn't know that abut me, though. Just before this paragraph, I had to stop myself from writing, "You would think I would have learned that, growing up in church and all..." Perhaps to you, that sounds harmless-- true, even. As I looked at that sentence though, Holy Spirit reminded me of something He and I have been talking about a fair bit lately. I have a huge grudge against the church, as in churches plural, not one in particular. Since I've begun my inquisition as to what it looks like to be a real follower of Christ, I've discovered that, in a deep place in my heart, I feel like I've been fed a watered-down version of Jesus and life as His disciple. Maybe that's true. It probably is. 

The thing is that teenagers can smell a fake from a mile away. They pick up on it when their teachers don't practice what they preach. Maybe I'm not remembering correctly, but I think that a lot of this bitterness started because I didn't run in to a lot of people who looked like what I thought true Christ-followers should look like. Part of this is my fault, for putting what it looks like to have a relationship with God into a box. That's probably the biggest part. Maybe part of it also comes from the fact that there just aren't that many sold-out lovers of The Lord in America any more. Call me judgemental-- I am, definitely, and God and I are working through that. But I think there has to be some truth behind these thoughts as well. 

Whatever the case may be, I want to apologize. I realize a lot of my well-meaning blog posts have come out of a place of hurt, spewing bitterness that overshadows the truth that may have also come out. I know that the greatest commandments (according to Jesus Himself) are to love God and love others. Discipling people, changing their minds and hearts, has to come out of a place of radical love, not correctness. My motives have been tainted, even if my material has been good. I don't want to be right. I want to ooze love out of the abundance God pours out on me. So, please, accept my apology. Forgive me. God has work to do yet as I am continually learning how to love with the love of Christ. 

Thanks for sticking around.

-Ash

16.10.12

Today, God and I went on a walk and had some real-talk time. 

The thing is that I run from God instead of running to Him. 

I have a lot of anger and bitterness toward Him because of my dad, because of my past, because I feel like He should have just fixed me or stopped me or saved me before it got super bad. But today, God told me He's sorry all of those things happened and are happening to and around me. He told me that He's sorry, and that He promises that He will work all of those things out so that they are for my good. Not even His good. For MY good. He told me that things might not always look like they're working together for my good at the moment, but He promised me that if I can let Him hold my hand and give Him time to work it all out properly, it will be for my good. He promised me. So I said okay. But He told me to remember that I have to give Him a chance-- that it WILL take time. 

Also, today, out loud, I quietly declared to the hills and the sky that my heart is in God's hands and that He will take better care of it than I have been. I don't really know what that looks like or the significance of it entirely, but I felt like it was something I needed to do. I told God that I trust Him with my dad. I trust Him with my family. I trust Him with Luke and our relationship. I trust Him with me-- that He will take care of me like Jesus said in Matthew, that He will heal my heart from my past, that He loves me enough to want my input and to have a relationship with me. I said all of these things today. 

Yes, this is a private matter between God and I. But I want to put this out there because I'm going to need reminding sometimes. 

Also, I want to be real with all of you guys. I'm hurting. I've done a lot of really dumb things that have hurt me a lot, and I would rather pretend to brush it all of my shoulders so I can look like the strong person that I want to be. In reality, though, I'm carrying all of that around with me. God showed me today that I'm basically walking around with a giant trash bag slung over my shoulder. It's heavy. I'm dirty and worn out from carrying its weight and its stench with me everywhere. I think maybe that some people just give their trash in its entirety to God, but I'm trying to sift through my trash myself, giving it up a little at a time. Well. That's not really working for me. So, I think what God and I are going to be doing is stopping, setting the bag down, and taking those things away from me. Finally. 

My relationship with God hasn't been going so well. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone you're mad at. Even if you think he's a cool dude. Sometimes, you can stand to hang out with him in a group-- never one on one-- but usually, you avoid being with him altogether. Especially if you're mad because you feel like he's hurt you... That kind of being mad (in my experience, anyway) gets internalized and comes out whenever you're alone thinking about that person. And then, you're by yourself, mad and hurting and feeling really pathetic because all you can do is sit there and feel yucky. 

That's kind of like what happened with me and God. 

But now we're making some progress so that we can be friends again, maybe even best friends. I don't think we ever have been best friends, but I really want us to be. 

Well, you can think whatever you want about all this. For once, I'm not trying to convince you of anything, to challenge your way of thinking or your upbringing. I'm not trying to do anything, actually, except be open and real with you guys about what's going on with me. 

I'm really considering doing a monk thing and taking some time away from the whole world to just be with God. Although I have no personal experience to speak from, I do think there is something to be said for men who become recluses for a while to gain understanding. Maybe I'll pull a Thoreau and go live in a forest.... Anyone want to be my Emerson? Heh. 

Mostly I say that because I thought that here, i would be able to really focus on God. Trouble is, everything is such a good distraction right now! Even being here at YWAM, life is super full of distractions! They may not be as malicious as the distractions of the world, but everything is still flying by in a tornado of colors and sounds and feelings and words. Ultimately, no matter where I am, though, I can only distract myself from my insides for so long before I spontaneously combust. So I figure that if I stow away somewhere, with no contact with the outside world, I will be a lot less distracted and hopefully more capable of sitting with God and really hearing from Him. I'm imagining like three months of solitude. Mm. Anyway. I'm kind of being silly, but seriously, I'm realizing how easy it is to continually distract myself to avoid dealing with my insides. 

I would really appreciate your prayers right now. And if God tells you anything, you should definitely let me know. I could use some support from my brothers and sisters.

Thanks for keeping up.

-Ash 

Checklist For A Godly Leader

"...an elder must be without fault; he must have only one wife, and his children must be believers and not have the reputation of being wild or disobedient.  For since a church leader is in charge of God's work, he should be without fault. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered, or a drunkard or violent or greedy for money.  He must be hospitable and love what is good. He must be self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.  He must hold firmly to the message which can be trusted and which agrees with the doctrine. In this way he will be able to encourage others with the true teaching and also to show the error of those who are opposed to it. "(Titus 1:6-9 GNT)

We talked about this passage in class this week. Considering we're in a leadership school, you know. So there are some things here that are obviously pretty important to God. They can pretty much be categorized into three areas: character, family life, and ministry skills and knowledge. 

In the church, what do we focus on cultivating in our young people who will inevitably be in leadership roles at some point? 

Just a question. I could give you my opinion, but I won't. Think about it though. 

Ministry skills and knowledge is the easiest category to tackle. It's internal, and it only requires head usage. 

Character is a bit more complex, as it involves the head as well as the heart. Character is internal as well, though, leaving the space between the head and the heart as the only gap to be filled. 

Family is the most complicated of the three. Not only does it involve having upstanding character yourself, but it also involves being able to influence those around you. The influence and gap filling has shifted from internal to external here, making it more difficult to manipulate. 

That said, I think we tend to look at issues and attempt to address them based on level of difficulty. As ministry skills and knowledge is least difficult to transfer from one person to another, we can feel relatively safe in discipling others and being discipled in that area. Family, on the other hand, is the most complex, making it more difficult to trust others for input and yourself for output. 

Right now, God is working in all three areas for me. It's daunting. It's hard. 

We also talked about how being here at YWAM can be great for growth, but it is when we go home that's we truly realize how much has stuck with us and how much was just adaptation to our environment. It's true. And it sucks. Because I'm a lot more myself here than I am back in Portland. So I guess that means I'm not really all that different; I'm just adaptable. 

There's a lot going on in my head these days. God is showing me a lot. And I let it get me down a lot because there is so much work to do. I'm having a really hard time figuring out the line between God's role and my responsibility. It stresses me out. 

Eek.

Personal growth. 

How To Have A Conversation With The Invisible Man In The Sky

The first lesson we learned during my Discipleship Training School was on the core values of YWAM. The second was on hearing God's voice.

Luckily for me, God didn't rush me into that one. He knew we had a ways to go before I could get a grasp on that basic part of having a relationship with Him.

During my DTS, I heard God. That's different, though, than working out the discipline of hearing from Him on a 24-hour basis.

Now, at the beginning of round two with YWAM, God and I are starting to tackle that concept at last.

There's a preface I want to give before I get into this, though-

First of all, I'm sorry I haven't written more. I've written tons of ideas down in my notes, but I've been so busy doing five million things a day, talking to a hundred awesome people, that I've barely had time to sleep, let along blog.

Second, this week our speaker is a great dude named Joseph. He's a graphic designer, trained by God, who's worked with big names like Mercedes and some other people I can't recall right now. Anyway, he's been talking to us more about core values and how they build us into who we are as individuals and as groups as well. That's not really what got me going on this thing, though. What it was was hearing the way Joseph talks about his relationship with God. The way Joseph talks about God is as if God is actually there with him everywhere he goes, in every situation, in every area of his life. Well. As I was thinking about this, I realized that Joseph isn't just supremely lucky to have this kind of a relationship with God- this is who God is to the core of His being. In the Bible, God adresses every arena of life. In the New Testament, He gives His followers the teacher of all things, the Holy Spirit, who lives in us and is with us at all times. Holy Spirit is our direct connection with God. Wireless technology is new to us, but God's had it on lock for a few thousand years now.

When I continued thinking about Joseph's ability to exchange conversation with God like He is a physical person, I realized that I can totally have that kind of relationship with Him, too. There's actually nothing stopping me from having that aside from myself. God gave us all the tools we need in order to be in 24-7 relationship with Him- we have to figure out how to use them so that we don't miss out on that incredible blessing.

So, God and I are conversing. It's going slowly right now, mostly because I'm quite distractable and not super great at sitting still and just hanging out with God, but we're working on that. And as we do, I'm finding that it actually isn't that hard to hear God talking. I'm not saying I have it mastered, or even that I'm good at hearing God, but I can definitely do it.

Here's a really dumb example of how God wants to be involved in every aspect of our lives: The other day when I woke up, I told God I wan't getting out of bed until He showed me what I should wear that day. He totally did, and I got compliments all day. What up. I know I have a good sense of style, but seriously, Jesus knows better.

Also, I'm learning that God has no problem being totally personal in the way He chooses to communicate with us. He uses our lingo, talks to us in ways we'll receive His comments. Think about it- if God can speak every language and dialect, why couldn't He speak yours?

Hm. That may have been all I wanted to say about that. For now, anyway.

There's more, though, because God HAS been talking to me a lot lately, I've been getting a lot of direction and guidance from Him. One of the things we've been talking about is that fact that I'm really strong-willed, go-get-'em personality in a leadership school with a bunch of people who are that same way. I really feel like, as ironic as it is, God has me in a season of stepping back and not stepping into that leadership role so much. I got a word before I came here in September about my growth with God being what attracts others, and I really believe God has me here not necessarily to learn about being a leader, but to really grow a lot in my relationship with Him. Trust me, it isn't easy for me to not take charge of everything all the time, but a lot of the reason God wants me to step back is because I tend to put a lot of pressure and a lot of expectations on myself that aren't from God. I take responsibility for things God hasn't given me responsibility for, and because of that, I mess things up and stress myself out. Because I've grown up in the church, I felt like I should be at THIS level with God, basing our relationship status on the amount of head knowledge I thought I had. God revealed to me, though, that I'm really just a baby. It's the same concept as knowing ABOUT someone but not really KNOWING them. I thought I knew a lot about God (which, I didn't even, I have a lot of misconceptions) but I didn't know God. So I'm just now starting to get to know Him, and He has a lot of grace for me because of that. I mean, He has infinite grace anyway, but I expected so much more from myself than He does from me. It was so freeing to hear Him say it that I literally laughed out loud with relief while He was talking to me. That's not to say I've relinquished all responsibility and am not free to live however I want to. God just freed me from taking responsibility I haven't been given yet.

What else....

I need to talk about our mobile outreach stuff and also about sacrificing our time, but that isn't for right now.

That's probably it for today.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope it is challenging to your faith(:

-Ash

Nutella

God made this incredible thing called Nutella. It's a delicious spread made of chocolate and hazelnuts, used on bread and for baking. Sometimes, people use it in icing for cupcakes. I happened to experience one of these such cupcakes this evening. It was delicious. And then I threw up. Twice. Ahhh, the joy of allergies. Still having faith for healing one day, so I can enjoy Nutella without the effects of a bad hangover. 

I thought I'd throw out a reminder that I have as many insipid thoughts as I do profound ones. (: 

Also, I thought I would let you know that if I ever consume nuts, it will be no bueno for me. So if you're ever thinking it would be nice to make me food or feed me chocolate, please make sure there are no nut products in there. 

A Thought on Worship

The other night, our school went to help out at this ministry called Cloud and Fire. It's really an awesome place- they just started up a charter school for at-risk youth so that they can get vocational training if they've dropped out of school or been in jail or whatever. I encourage you to check it out: http://www.cloudandfire.org/

Anyway, they had a house-church service the night we were there, and, as church usually goes, it started out with worship. However, as the music started playing and we started to sing, I realized- much to my horror- that I was doing just that. Singing. I knew the words. I knew the melody. I even thought I meant what I was singing. But... I wasn't worshiping. I was singing. I was going through to motions of church, preforming. I realized, as all of this was going on in my head, that during 'worship', we have no obligations EXCEPT to WORSHIP. We don't have to make sure the people around us are comfortable. We don't have to make sure we're not singing so loud that it distracts those around us. We don't even have to make sure we sing the right notes! Our obligation during worship is to have a time that is intimate between us and God. My only obligation is to recognize God for who He is, to thank Him, to relate to Him. (Now, I don't feel quite the same way about being a worshiper in the crowd and being a worshiper on stage, but that is a different post entirely) Worship is not about us. Worship is about God and only God. It is entirely self-less and entirely God-focused. It is pretty much the only time that God gets ALL OF OUR ATTENTION AND AFFECTION. So why would we rob our relationship with God of that time? Seriously, most of us don't spend enough time being totally focused on reveling in God's character. I know I don't. But worship, for me, is like the one place where I can release everything about myself and turn my face solely to my Jesus. Worship is a lifestyle- is isn't just singing songs... But that's also another blog post entirely. Basically, my revelation was that my obligation is to worship God no matter what others around me are doing. Whether they're sitting or standing, singing or silent, raising their hands or clapping them, staring at me or focused on God... worship is about drowning out everything else because you are so intently focused on glorifying God.

So... I've made a resolution. I'm going to worship God however I feel like I'm led to, no matter what that looks like to people around me. It sounds silly, maybe, but I'm realizing that sometimes, my concern with the opinions of those around me inhibits me from obeying God fully. (I thought I didn't care what anyone thought of me, but apparently, I do!) So, in a broader sense, my resolution is actually to be concerned with only God's opinion of me and no one else's.

I pray that God begins revealing things in your life that prevent you from really following God. No matter how old you are or how long you've been in a relationship with God, there are always places in your life that need growth. If you feel like you've come to a place of plateau, something is probably wrong(: That said, I intend to continue to grow and learn until I'm wearing my crown in Heaven, and if anyone thinks I've ceased to do so, please let me know.

Much love,
Ash

Outside-In or Inside-Out?

I'm watching my wonderful man set up his blog right now, enjoying seeing him overthinking his URL and title. He's such a thoughtful guy. Everything about him says so. I don't think I've ever seen him do something thoughtless. I'm sure he has, I just haven't seen it. Yet.

Today we talked more about passion. One thing specifically was the fact that in Acts chapter two, Luke writes: "They devoted themselves to..."

He looked at the church and could see what they devoted themselves to. As Christians, we're meant to be a visible light on a hill. That means that the world should be able to look at us and see what our values and our passions are.

I look at Luke, and I can see that he values thoughtfulness. He's never told me that. He might not even realize that it's something that he values so much. But I can see that about him. I don't think he TRIES to be thoughtful. I think it's something that he's decided (maybe subconsciously, but it was a choice) is important to him, and because of that, it shows through his actions.

I want other people to look at me and be able to tell what's important to me, not because I say anything, but because of the way that I act. I want people to look at me and know that I value a hunger for God. I want them to be able to see that worship is something I'm passionate about. I don't ever want someone to ask me what my values are or what I'm passionate about. My actions should speak louder than I could if I tried.

Yesterday, I was hanging out with God, talking to him about what my current passions are. I made of list of things I think are important to me, and then I asked Him what things He thinks I think are important. Of course, there were things on my lists that I wasn't happy about- things I realize I need to work on replacing for Kingdom values rather than cultural ones. I was a bit bummed out for a minute, and then I asked God what He wanted me to work on first. Much to my surprise, what He told me wasn't included on my paper. He reminded me that it isn't about the things I do, the things I say, or even the values I have- it's about my relationship with Him. The thing He wants me to invest in isn't self-improvement. He wants me to invest in our relationship.

Do you know why our relationship with God is more important than our current condition? Well, I don't KNOW, but I have a theory:

Maybe first, I need to say something else, though. I think a lot of times, we try to change our behavior (or the behavior of others) hoping that one we change our outsides, changes on the insides will follow. We think that changing habits will change our minds, that changing behavior will change our hearts. Well, I disagree. Our insides define our outsides. God commands us to love others because He first loved us. Our love for others is an outpouring of the belief that the God of the Universe loves us. Our internal beliefs define our external actions. Therefore, if one wants to change a behavior, one needs to start inside and know that the internal change will produce external results. Our outsides are proof of our insides. If I tell you I'm a strong believer in recycling, but I don't recycle, then you know I'm not actually a believer in it. If I make it a point to recycle, then without me having to tell you, you can see that I believe in recycling. See? So... back to my question: Why is our relationship with God more important than our current condition? I think it's because only God can change our insides, which determines our outsides. Plus, God isn't interested in perfect people. He's interested in people who are passionate about Him. How can we be passionate about God if we don't have a relationship with Him? How can we hope that God will work in our hearts if we haven't let Him in to do that?

Before I came back to LA, someone texted me and told me that God had told them to tell me that growing in my relationship with Him would shine more than my personality. Does that seem a bit weird to anyone else? I sat there for a while wondering how something internal and private like my relationship with God could shine more than something external like my personality. But, you know what? My growing relationship with God, and my growing passion for Him, will become evident through my actions. Why? Because my passion for God will dictate what's on my outside.

Alright. Well. Two essays in a row.. that's a little brutal for you guys. I hope you're doing alright, hanging in there. Thanks for reading(:

-Ash

Oh yeah, so Luke's blog link is at the top of my page now... He totally copied me with the whole "adventure" thing. I guess it was a pretty great idea(;

His Kingdom, Our Dream

Have you ever experienced that feeling you get when you know-you absolutely know-that you're exactly where you need to be? I have. It's the feeling I got as I watched Jonny and Dani pull in to the bus station parking lot to pick me and Luke up. It's the feeling I got when I met my first roomie, who knows the same people as I do from an obscure surf town in Chile. It's the feeling I got when I got to Sam's house to reunite with my old friends and connect with some new ones. It's the feeling I got at breakfast this morning as Werner, the base director and leader of SLAM, began talking about his vision for these next eight weeks. I found myself close to tears as he talked about the very thing I have been wrestling with since I arrived home in August- the dichotomy between western culture and Kingdom culture and what it looks like to live the life God has called us as followers to live. God is so good. He is so trustworthy. He is so wise. He knows where we need to be and when we need to be there. He even knows why. Even when He doesn't explain those things to us, He knows, and our job is not to demand an explanation from Him, but to trust in His infinite wisdom and obey Him without question. 

This week, we're doing a series on passion. It's already been totally awesome and we've only listened to an hour of speaking so far. Here are a few things Lloyd said that really hit me:

-"passion" comes from a Latin word that means "to suffer for" 

-passion is more than an emotion; it helps us to determine what our beliefs are

-"If we actually believed in Hell, we would live like it. If we actually believed in Heaven, it would affect our attachment to things in this world."

And here are a few notes I jotted down about what's been going through my head today:

-I am so excited about this time for God to seriously convict my heart and to continue to radically transform my passions into His. 

-What I see around me is a generation of young people eager to throw away the comforts and securities of this world to live for something that is much greater than that. I see a generation of mobilizers, leaders, and world-changers. I see a radical, restless generation ready to live life the way God intended for us to. We are on fire and not about to settle for anything less than the fullness of life which was promised to us. 

I realize this is scatter-brained. However, I feel like that's better than it being nonexistent. 

You may have noticed my blog posts from when I was at home were in a bit of a different tone than my previous and most recent posts. I was feeling a ton of frustration because the issue of living radically for the Lord was brought to the forefront of my attention, and I didn't have much to fill my mind with aside from that. I read this book (for those of you who don't really know me, that is a feat. I haven't read an entire book for ages) called Radical by David Platt. I've talked about it before, but I finished it a few days ago, and it produced so much conviction and frustration that I didn't know what to do with. It was an incredible book. So phenomenal. But I knew that if I didn't do anything with the contents, it would have been for nothing. Trying to figure out what to do was the really hard part. It sucked. It agonized me to think about. I had no idea what to do with all the thoughts in my head, all the revelations, all the truth. I figured I would come here, to SLAM, and I would get a little community, a little clarity as to what it looks like to live out the Great Commission. Notice- I said A LITTLE. This is (basically) the third paragraph in the welcome letter Werner and Lisa wrote to us:

"The theme for this seminar is 'His Kingdom, Our Dream'... The Kingdom of Jesus and the ramifications of His reign in our lives and in our societies is one of the most fascinating and intriguing things to ponder: Has the Kingdom already arrived? Or when will it come and what will that look like? How will our lives and our societies be changed because of it? Where do we start? All those and many more questions are there to be pondered and in the midst of it, you're wondering about your particular place and assignment." 

Try to tell me that God didn't plan this. If you heard me talking about coming back to LA and what I'm doing here, pretty much my answer was "Something to do with ministry development, but I really have no idea." Well. God had an idea. I know I already talked about this at the beginning of my post, but I really wanted to expand upon it to make a point to you readers: 

YOU+GOD=MAJORITY

A very wise man, aka my dad, told me that. When God tells you to do something, no matter what anyone else says, no matter how anyone else feels, no matter how irresponsible and illogical it sounds, our job as His followers is not to understand His reasoning but to obey Him fully without question. Why? Because. He knows better. How arrogant are we that we think we deserve an explanation from God? How can we, the merely created, ever have a smidgen of hope that we could understand our infinite Creator?  

I invite you to come with me on the next chapter of my adventure with God. I know big things are about to happen. I challenge you to not just read what I'm writing for entertainment or information, but to take in my words and decide what you're going to do about them. Decide if I'm speaking truths or if I'm mistaken. Decide if I'm totally off-base or if I'm on track with what God says in His word. I'm going to say things that will offend you. I make no apology in that statement. I will do my best to offend with real, Biblical truth and not with my own crazy thoughts, but realize that just because you disagree does not mean that the statement isn't Biblical. I think it's time that we stop being concerned about our truths and start being concerned with God's. I think it's time that we stop being wrapped up in what we think living a Christian life looks like and start really looking at what Jesus said about following Him. Notice that I say 'we' and not 'you'. I realize that I have to include myself in my statements. I realize that I'm not above reproach, that I'm not doing it right, that I'm flawed just like everyone else. But I am not content to stay where I'm at, and I hope that you feel the same way. 

With much love,

Ash

My life is a disaster and my head is full of rhetoric.

I feel like nothing has changed.

*Sigh*

I guess the worst part about wanting to be a Jesus-follower is that you stay human.

Thirteen days before I'm on a greyhound back to California.
Oh, joy.

Also, snakes shed their skin a layer at a time.

I'm not sure what exactly the significance of that is, but I feel like there's something there.

***

I was talking with my friend Chris today, and Christianity came about in our conversation. He was noting that Christians are ignorant. And I had to agree with him. We use church as our medium for hearing from God, expecting the pastor to spoon feed us on Sundays, getting frustrated with the church when our spiritual lives are taking a turn for the worst. Well. That's not what church was made for. We're meant to feed ourselves. Church is meant to be a place of fellowship, of communing with others who share our beliefs. Chris is my age, and we were having this conversation. This generation can see through the Christian religion we've invented in this country. We can see that there's more to it than most so-called Christians are living out. He noticed, too, that some Christians use God as a scape-goat for not dealing with our problems, claiming that we "give them to God" and then walk away from them. Well.. yes, we lay our burdens and our struggles down before the Lord, but that doesn't mean that they're disappeared and we can go on living like they no longer exist. That is simply not the case. Giving them to God means seeking Him for instruction as to how to deal with those things.
It was a really interesting chat.

Chris is on a journey of "spiritual exploration"... Basically, he's searching for truth. He doesn't see it in the Christians he sees around Him. If we're not living our lives according to how the Bible has called us to do so, we're living a lie, and we're labeling ourselves as ambassadors for Christ, misrepresenting Him all the way. This is a problem. We ourselves turn people away from the only true God through our lack of understanding about who we are as children of the King.

I am determined to never be one of those Christians.

I am determined to be the real deal.

I will not be a follower of the American Jesus.

I will be a follower of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of all, who calls us to pick up our crosses and follow Him.

I will not misrepresent.

Chew on that.

You may have noticed I've done some revamping to my blog.

I'm not having a super great day today, so I got myself all extra cute this morning, and I figured that my blog could use a make-over as well.

So here it is!

I hope you like it. If you have any complaints, please let me know. This is for you guys, after all. (Oh hey, I may not have said this lately, but anybody can make comments on here- you don't have to have a Google account or anything. You don't even have to leave your name!)

Right on. So. Why am I not having a super great day? Good question. I don't really know, exactly. It's just been one of those days. You know what I'm saying. One of the ones where you open your eyes, stare up at your ceiling, and wonder just what the point of getting out of bed would be, exactly. Yeah. Not so great.

Also, there are a lot of things going on in my life right now that are GIANT things. And I'm having a really hard time focusing on my relationship with God. So... Big things in my life, big empty place where my Daddy's voice should be... No wonder my day hasn't been so hot!

Big things:

I've compared them to boats. It's sort of silly, but I like it. So, these things I'm deciding about- one being my decision to totally surrender my life to Jesus- are sort of like jumping on to a ship. As far as my choice to follow Jesus or not, it's like being on a boat which I am not the captain of. Jesus is. So right now... part of my deciding process (I know it seems like I've already gone through that, but that's not exactly the case..) includes figuring out whether or not I trust the captain. A captain who, I'm realizing, I don't really know as well as I thought. A captain I've heard about through many other people but haven't REALLY met for myself. (It's a pretty complete analogy, right?) In any case, that's sort of where I'm at as far as that's concerned. Other decisions I don't really want to talk about right now. That's the big one. Figuring out if I really trust Jesus to captain the ship that is my life. Because it's not that easy to switch boats once you're out at sea, you know?

I guess there was only one big thing there. There are more things going on, but I'm not really sure how to put them eloquently into readable format at this moment, so I'll tell you about them later.

Yep. There it is. Sorry this round of words wasn't anything too special. Just a reminder that I'm a human and I struggle with things. I know I come across as the perfect Christian sometimes..... Heh(; Jokes. But seriously, don't forget that I know that I don't have everything figured out. Actually, I have nothing figured out, and I'm continuously astounded at the notion of how little I actually know.

Have a really good night, you guys. If you'd be keeping me in your prayers, I would appreciate it. I'd like to be out of this cloud and back into the clarity of the Spirit.

Love,
Ash.

Why is it that when you're trying to live in the light, you miss the darkness so much more?

I don't really have anything profound and/or interesting to say today.

Just.

God is really good.

And I have been coming to the realization over and over that no matter how many times He PROVES to me that this is true, I still doubt it.

Somehow, though, He doesn't get mad at me because I keep having the same issue repeatedly.

No wonder we're sheep.

Also, it's my big sister Britt's birthday today(:
Praise the Lord she was born. My life would have been a lot different if she wasn't!

So I'm reading this SUPER great book called RADICAL. It's by this dude named David Platt. If you haven't read it, you should. ESPECIALLY if you're a Christian in America.
In a very small nutshell, it's about "taking your faith back from the American Dream". (That's what it says right on the cover of the book, and the insides agree)

I'm chewing it up a little at a time because it's full of SO MUCH GOOD STUFF. Today, I want to talk about this thing Platt brings up- the little voice inside of us that says, "Oh, that's not my calling" when we hear about missionaries, mission work, or even ministry work...

"...missions is a compartmentalized program of the church, and select folks are good at missions and passionate about missions... but in the end God has just not called most of us to do this missions thing. But where in the Bible is missions ever identified as an optional program in the church? ...Indeed, Jesus himself has not merely called us to go to all nations; he has created and commanded us to go to all nations. We have taken this command, though, and reduced it to a calling- something that only a few people receive."

WOAH. Right? It sounds a little drastic, maybe, and possibly, your initial reaction is to disagree with him here. After all, it simply isn't feasible for everyone to drop everything and move over seas to do "full-time missions work".

Well, how about this. Let's check out what being a missionary is all about. It's actually pretty basic: a missionary is someone who has been sent on a mission. See? Now being a missionary sounds a lot less glamorous and a lot less complicated. I think we tend to think of missionaries as people who go into third world or closed countries to risk their lives sharing the gospel with those who haven't heard it. Well.. yes and no. There are definitely people who do that. But there are people who live their lives according to the command Christ gave right before He went back to Heaven in their own towns, too. See, the mission isn't to make sure that every country in the world knows who Jesus is. Well, it sort of is, but... My point is this: I think that often times when we discuss the Great Commission, we forget that Jesus didn't just tell us to go to every nation. He also told us- and this is the key, really- to make disciples. The mission isn't just to go; it is also to make. If we choose to pass "being a missionary" off to others around us, we've missed one of the biggest parts of being a follower of Jesus. This, I believe, is really the concern that Platt is addressing with his words.

Let's do a quick review:
What is a missionary? Someone who has been sent on a mission.
Who has been sent on a mission? Everyone who claims to be a lover and follower of Christ. 
What is the mission? To make disciples everywhere we go. 

That's not really very complicated, now is it?

Alright, so we've covered these fundamentals. Are we all good here? Everyone agrees so far, yes? (Hopefully, because I'm going to go ahead and keep typing even if you think I'm a looney)

Next topic I feel we must address: What does it look like to make disciples?

Ah. What a great question. I'm so glad you asked! Let's explore a little.

First of all- this is VERY IMPORTANT: DISCIPLES ARE NOT MANUFACTURED OVER NIGHT.
I know, that seems like a really silly thing to bold and make huge and what not, but seriously. I know that seems like common sense, but think about how many times you've been trying to share Jesus with someone, or teach them about His words, or explain to them basics of the gospel, and you get frustrated because they're JUST. NOT. GETTING. IT. You know what I'm saying? Come on, I know you do. Let's take a look at Jesus' own disciples- He spent THREE YEARS with them. I could be wrong, but from what I know, it seems like they pretty much spent all their time together. Or at least a  good chunk. Think back to your college days when you and your cronies spent so much time together that you knew each other better than anyone. Well. That's what it looked like for the thirteen of them. Except, imagine that instead of just hanging out with the boys, every interaction you had with them was intentional and ultimately your goal was to teach them the ways of Christ. That's no walk in the park, you guys. I can't imagine doing it. Even after three years of constant discipleship, though- from Jesus Himself, nonetheless- Peter still denied Him three times, Thomas still doubted Him, and Judas still betrayed Him. THAT is what discipleship looks like. It's a long process. It's tedious. It's infuriating sometimes, too. But, do you know why Jesus left us this command without a detailed list of instructions? Because, my friends, discipleship is about relationships, and there can be no easy 1-2-3 repeat-after-me way to navigate through a relationship.

That might not have been incredibly helpful, because essentially what I just said was this: Making disciples isn't easy. It isn't quick. It isn't instantly gratifying. It isn't necessarily ever gratifying, actually. Relationships are messy, and there's no way around that. In other words... I have no idea what in the world I'm doing here, either. All I really know is that Jesus commands us to make disciples, and the gospels are written accounts of three years of Him being an example of what that looks like in real life.

Wow. That's a lot of words up there. Holy Spirit is the best(: (I can't take credit for all those words because I simply know I couldn't have come up with all that on my own)

I think that's all for right now. I hope you've gleaned something new today. God bless(:

Also, here are some scripture references for you:

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:18-20

He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, an they will get well." Mark 16:15-18
Side note: Doesn't reading that make you wonder if you believe as much as you think you do? Definitely makes me wonder...

Hey, everyone!

I realize that I have been a really terrible author and left you all hanging in suspense...
There are questions left unanswered.
Stories left untold.

Many. Many. Many things need to be said. In reality, though, I probably won't have a chance to say all of them.

First, I am back in Portland! (Fun side note- I actually don't live in Portland, I just like to say I do because it is wayyyy easier than trying to explain where I actually live. It sounds a lot cooler, too) Anyway. So I'm home with my family again, which is pretty nice. I really missed them. We're a fun bunch- we really are. Man, oh, man, though... I am so happy to be reunited with my little man- EWI! (: That's my puppy. He's the constant fluff of joy in my life.

Quick recap...


I got home August 14th (I know, I know, I'm quite the slacker) and my mom's sister showed pretty much right after I did. We did some fun things. Quickly after that, I took the Greyhound up to Canada to visit Sam and Britt, who are two of my most favorite girls in the world. Sam and I are in a band- it's pretty sweet, we're called Unspoken Heroes, and I think you can look us up on Facebook. So we tried recording, but I'm afraid of the microphone so that didn't end up working out so well. BUT! We did take some sweet photos for future reference, and God introduced us to this nifty dude named Amos who dug our sound and offered us a show in Canada. Unfortunately, I don't live there, so it didn't work out, BUT I guess he has some hook ups in LA, so I'll have to keep you posted on that one. Sam and I played out in front of the Booster Juice Britt works at, and God handed us $20 for two hours of playing! It sounds like nothing, and in reality, it is, but considering there were only about 20 people who walked by us in that time period, we were pretty stoked.

So Canada was great, then I came home, and then it was my birthday! Woohoo! I'm old now! It was a super great day. The main event of the day was a worship sesh that evening at my house (sorry if you didn't get the memo.. I'll be having one again here pretty soon). It was really quite amazing, getting to spend the day of my birth remembering why I was born- to bring glory to God(: If you want to see what you missed, or remember what it was like, here's a link to some pieces of the evening: http://www.youtube.com/user/akhiljhaveri?feature=results_main
Oh my goodness. Seriously, best way to spend the day. Let's see. What else...

I've been hanging out with my dad and my baby sister (who is taller than me now.. can you believe that?!) for the past few days... My mom and my other sister escaped off to the Caribbean for a week. Lame. We've been having heaps more fun here, anyway. Who cares about sunshine and beaches and little fishes? Oh yeah! But my dad's super great. I love him a ton. It's been really good to actually spend time with him all by myself. We haven't gotten to do that in a long time. I maintain the truth that I am his favorite daughter.







Oh hey! Also, do you guys remember Luke? I probably talked about him somewhere along the line. He's the Australian from my school! The amazing musician, the dashing young gent in that video with me somewhere below this post... Well. He's my best friend, first of all. Second of all, he is my wonderful boyfriend, my partner in crime(: It's been very exciting so far, largely because two days after we decided that this wild idea to be, I quote Facebook here, "in a relationship" was not only totally preposterous, but also very good, I came back here to my home. We went from being together every day for half a year to not ever being together at all ever. Except for Skype... Praise the LORD for Skype! (I'm actually Skyping him right now... heh(: What a guy...) But, yep. So he's in Australia, I'm in the States... Tah-dahh!


Aright, now you're pretty well caught up on the events of my life.


So... What am I doing now? This is a valid and very excellent question, which I'm excited to answer.



Well. I'm going back to Los Angeles, to YWAM, to do that SLAM school I talked about before- the school of leadership and ministry development- so I'm STOKED! God made it pretty clear that that's where I am meant to be at this point. My mom and I made an agreement that she would be okay with me going if I have my funds before I leave on the 24th of this month. Well... God is providing! My dad won't tell me who, but apparently there are some people who saw those videos from the worship night and want to help me get back to YWAM! I also just started giving guitar lessons, which was totally from God, and it's really fun! So.. God is super awesome. I'm really really really stoked to be living my life for Him. I can't really imagine doing it any other way.

So that's pretty much all for now. Just an update post. Sorry it isn't more exciting... I'll definitely be posting more here in the very near future(:

Bye, folks!